


Briefing and Boxering

by Antrodemus



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-10-30 15:18:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10879506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Antrodemus/pseuds/Antrodemus
Summary: Not actually smut. The gang gives Steve the warnings they wish they'd had for their first times.I initially wrote this with my OTP in mind, but decided to take the pairing-specific stuff out of it, since it is really meant to work no matter who the principal players are.





	Briefing and Boxering

They found it on the table the next day. It was printed out. Of course it was printed out--- sometimes you think to yourself, "I'm exaggerating this, I can't possibly be not making this up," but you're wrong, you're actually right. There was a Post-It note attached. It said, in beautiful script a bride might choose for her save-the-date cards:

"Thanks, guys. I already knew all this (well, almost all of this, not the 'Not Natasha,' part, sorry about the coffee stains, I had just taken a sip), but it was really caring of you to write this. 

"Sincerely, S. Rogers"

"Dear Steve, [the e-mail read]

"We are writing this because you are our Captain, and we love you, and you are about to boldly go where you have not gone before (please say you are not still denying it to yourself. On second thought, please don't say anything if this is the case). We thought there are some things you should know about it, first.

"1. The first time you kiss someone with an open mouth, it will be slimy and weird. Knowing that the person you are kissing will probably be, when he finally does give in, so exhausted that he can't even remember the word, 'mouthwash,' let alone the last time he used it. It will probably taste like coffee grounds and compost. Ride it out. It will get better. Lots better.

"2. You can breathe through your nose. You'd be surprised how many people feel stupid after going weeks without figuring this out.

"3. Even with the serum, the first few times you give head, you will feel as if your jaw is going to fall off. That also gets better.

"4. One any given week, we deal with magic; gods; shape-shifters; aliens; science-defying diseases; mind-bending psychics; amnesia; time travel; parallel universes; and magical, shape-shifting, time-traveling alien gods with mind-bending psychic powers gained in parallel universes, strange diseases (including amnesia), and weird senses of humor. Your partner may be 'clean' and you may be 'immune' and you may both _think_ neither of you may have any reason to worry about pregnancy, but... use a condom, guys. That's what they used to call a 'safe' or a 'fishskin.' A word about that: in your day, the go-to lubricant was Vaseline, which is very bad for certain types of condoms. We do advise polyurethane if you have that option, and Stark Industries with be sending over a package of some rather lovely prototypes from some health companies they have stock in later this afternoon. 

"5. Speaking of condoms, you may feel like if there is any interruption of the intensity and forward progress toward orgasm, the whole thing is ruined forever. The only thing that will ruin this is letting anxiety about this sidetrack you. This includes: giggle fits, weird noises, premature ejaculation, needing to adjust position because your arm has fallen asleep or your head keeps bonking the headboard, and putting on a condom. Think about how many sentences were crossed out in the Austen manuscripts we saved. Sex doesn't need to be flawless to be perfect.

"6. Semen tastes terrible the first few times. Like really, really horrible. For some reason, it helps to think of really-overbrewed tea and to swallow as far toward toward the back of your throat as you can. (Natasha would like you to know that is was not she who brought this up, but adds that most urges to gag can be usually be overcome by squeezing your left thumb.)

"7. Here is a link to OhJoySexToy's column on anal sex safety. Seriously, do NOT skip or let your partner skip prep. Mere lube is not enough. No matter how dewy-pure your love is or how wickedly turned-on you are, the pain of anal sex without proper preparation will make you want to immediately turn around and punch your partner into next week. That's risky when you have combat reflexes. In general, we recommend that the person penetrating stay stock-still and let the penetrated work himself back onto his erection while self-stimulating until (and even after) you both have the hang of it. 

"8. It's not weird if your first time wasn't fantastic. You're not a freak or bad at sex. Nobody's first time is all that great. Did we say it gets better? Because it gets way, way better."

[The practiced eye might have noticed a faint smudge of graphite, almost where someone might have written "You're wrong," in the margin in pencil and thought better of it, furiously erasing a few hours later, but that is the sort of thing the practiced eye works very hard not to notice on its days off.]

Have fun, be kind and honest (we know you can't be anything else), and if you need someone to talk to, we're here. 

"Love,

"The Gang"

"P.S. Don't let him give us anything to avenge. You both deserve better than the angsty corners you paint yourselves into."

**Author's Note:**

> I'm thinking I might be better at prompts than at actual writing. Is it bad that I kind of want to see this written as the structure for each of these points coming into play in Our Dear Captain's sex life? 
> 
> Any advice about tagging this sucker is appreciated; I don't want to disappoint people, but I don't want to rule out possibilities.
> 
> I WANTED to put in some warnings about "how to avoid co-dependence and what it's NOT healthy to put up with for a partner's sake," and HALT, but... sigh. That's a little outside of our the scope of our current group of characters, isn't it? (Alas. I love them so much, but they are so fucked-up.) I also did not put anything in about the possibility of needing a new category of "safe words" to make sure your partner is who you think he is in the MCU, in the interest of not interrupting such flow as there was.


End file.
